Kranjcar to Arsenal?

Any regular reader of the Rumour Mill (yes, both of you) will know that this column fills a certain function. Much like putting the kettle on, making a paperclip chain or having a sordid office romance, perusing the Mill is the perfect way to avoid doing any proper work. So today, on one of the dozen weekdays of the year in which no one has to do any work at all, the Mill is entering uncharted territory, we are looking for people to turn to us for pleasure rather than distraction. So it is just as well that we have big news about Niko Kranjcar, Frank Lampard and, um, Kris Commons for you, eh? Eh? Hello, anyone there?

First up today, is the news that Newcastle are lining up a £4m bid for Steve Davis. Interesting, as he used to say in that advert in the eighties. Oh, not that one, right. Moving on, Sunderland are sniffing around the £5m-rated Stephen Hunt with the express intention of luring him back to the Premier League when it is confirmed that Reading are relegated, a tactic not dissimilar from moving in on a friend's girlfriend as their relationship hits its final death throes. Two-faced or just comforting in a time of need? You decide.

In wage news (we know what the public demands) Paul Scharner thinks he's worth around £40,000-a-week, but sadly for him, Wigan know he isn't and may let him leave on a free transfer next summer. One man who we imagine is on far more than that is Frank Lampard, whose new one-year contract extension will be a figure far less likely to make Ashley Cole feel physically sick. Meanwhile, if Alexander Hleb leaves Arsenal this summer (and we aren't going to get into that one today) then Arsène Wenger will sign Niko Kranjcar for £12m to replace him.

Which leaves just one story to tie up and it promises to be the most melodramatic, Midlands-based tug of love since ITV cancelled Crossroads, as Derby pounce for Nottingham Forest's out-of-contract star Kris Commons. But Forest aren't giving him up without a fight, they have a shiny new £9,000-a-week contract for him. They've been back in the same division for less than 48 hours and the pair are already rowing. Don't you just love local rivalries?