Abidal to Liverpool?

After a three-day weekend of chasing the pain with high-strength, "bogof" continental cooking lager, the cloud of self-loathing, anxiety and dread in which The Mill awoke was particularly dense this morning.

But then a gleaming and shiny silver-lining appeared. As the Mill tucked into its daily Pop Tart and Vimto in front of the box of moving pictures, the nice lady behind the news desk said that the number of estate agency branches has fallen from about 13,000 at the start of the year to about 12,000. Ask an abacus and it'll tell you that's the equivalent of 150 agencies closing - and approximately 600 estate agents clearing their desks - every week. Way to go credit crunch.

Sorry, that's unfair. The Mill didn't mean that. Some would say estate agents are duplicitous, ducking-and-diving, hand-rubbing spivs who manipulate, mislead and peddle misery for money, but the Mill is not one of them, and today's daily dose of football falsehoods is dedicated to the plight of these brave foot soldiers sadly felled on the world's economic battlefield. When it thinks of all those orphaned funky Minis, the Mill just wants to cry.

So, what's happening on the market? Rafa Benítez has been having a good look around Éric Abidal, a well-presented Catalan-based right-back. He likes it so much, he's even coming back with his wife and £8m in cash. First, though, he needs to find a buyer for both unfashionable tower-block Peter Crouch and John Arne Riise, a property that faces the wrong way.

Gordon Strachan is moving in to Noé Pamarot, a modern property benefiting from Portsmouth's oblique seaside views, while West Ham are looking to gazump rivals with a £3.5m bid for Wolverhampton's Michael Kightly – convenient for shops, schools, local amenities and being better than Birmingham-bound Bobby Zamora.

After seeing a particularly exciting episode of Grand Designs Abroad, Wigan's Steve Bruce is going to invest £9m in St.Etienne's bijou striker Bafetimbi Gomis but when he gets to France, there may be other prospective Premier League buyers waiting on the doorstep looking shifty. Also, Kenny Miller, a "light and airy" front-man in need of modernisation, is to return to Rangers for £2m.

Oh, and what's this? Soon-to-be-former Arsenal property Jens Lehman has just come on the market. No forward chain, internal view recommended - the previous owner complained that the lift didn't always go to the top.